Howard Goes Into The Unknown

Author’s Note: My therapist suggested I write about my most recent adventure in the third person to gain perspective. I gave myself a new name. Meet Howard.

Part I: The Idea

“And over there is the outhouse. I want someone that can keep up with me and not ask too many questions that slow us down!”

Howard listened patiently as Eddie, a farmer in Madison, Wisconsin, with very long sideburns, talked nearly uninterrupted for over an hour about his farm via FaceTime. The conversation felt off to Howard. The farmer mainly talked about himself and rarely asked any questions about Howard. He hung up the phone with disappointment.

The idea of WWOOFing, living and working on a farm, was too rugged and intense, while staying home and all the comforts it provided felt like the much saner choice. But something kept nagging him to not abandon his search. 

He discovered the concept after googling what he could do to shake things up in his life. He was drawn to the idea because he likes to learn new things, go on adventures, meet new people, and be connected to nature. He also thought it might do him some good to get used to a work schedule again, as it had been quite a few years since he had one.

He joined a WWOOFing For Beginners webinar and liked what he heard. He immediately signed up and paid the annual fee. It took him another three months to muster up the motivation to make a profile. A day later, Eddie sent him a message. 

While it didn’t ultimately work out, during one of their conversations, Eddie told him that there was a bus that could take him straight to Madison from downtown Chicago. Because of this, Howard decided to research other farms in Madison. He had previously searched for farms all over the U.S., but the vast amount of choices completely overwhelmed him. “Madison feels like a good first destination,” he thought. 

There weren’t a ton of options in Madison, but one stood out among the rest. Millie’s Farm. The reason it stood out to Howard was because of the reviews. There were many reviews from previous WWOOFers who mentioned Millie’s warmth and hospitality and how it was a great place for first timers.

After a few days of hemming and hawing, he reached out to Millie. She was excited to get to know him, but asked him to fill out an extensive application first, something Eddie did not do. This overwhelmed him, but he did it anyway. 

The FaceTime with Millie felt a lot better to him. She felt warm, inquisitive, and wise. When Howard told her about his struggles with depression and anxiety, she listened. She gave him advice about courage and stepping into the unknown. He ended this call feeling much better and said he would get back to her with a decision soon. 

Fears

While the call was encouraging, his mind and body were flooded with fear. He had never been farming, or done anything remotely close to it in his 36-year-old life. He ruminated about all the different clothes he would need, about how to navigate the long and unstructured afternoons and evenings, and about all the stressful and scary things his mind couldn’t even contemplate but tried to imagine anyway.

The biggest lie his mind continuously told him was that he was broken and pathetic for having these fears and that everyone else would have handled this situation much better and much more gracefully.

To help him with his decision, he messaged Millie with several follow-up questions including what clothes to bring, how available she would be, and how to navigate farm life without a car. Howard appreciated Millie’s prompt and detailed responses, but felt a twinge of panic when her answers mentioned ticks. 

While Howard had never been bitten by a tick, they always filled his mind with fears. The possibility of a tick latching onto his skin without him knowing and burrowing in was terrifying for him whenever he went into the woods. Millie’s response lit a new fire of fear in him, because he realized he would be electing to go deep into Wisconsin in May, a hotbed for tick activity in the country when they would be at their most abundant.

How could he possibly say yes to this?

Like it always does, things that feel unbearable in the moment lose their potency over time and that’s what happened with Howard. Within a few days, the white hot dread he felt transitioned to a less intense version, worry. He needed to let Millie know an answer. Should he? Shouldn’t he? What should he do?

It was a Friday night and he was going to wait until his next therapy session on Wednesday to come to a decision. That night his good friend Elise called him and Howard brought her up to speed on his dilemma. They talked about the clothes he would need, the tick situation, and all the other worries that had been on replay for weeks.

He vulnerably asked if she would go thrifting with him and she said yes. His therapist told him that friends are meant to be inconvenienced and that’s what had inspired him to ask Elise to help him.

She then asked him what it would feel like to say yes right now, instead of waiting for several more days to make a decision. Howard immediately felt relief. “Saying yes right now would feel so much better! I just need to say yes and figure the rest out later.”

Howard ended the call energized and messaged Millie that he would be joining her for a two-week stay in the second half of May. 

Memories

The good news was that Howard made a decision to say yes to the unknown. The bad news? His arrival was still another month away. 

One thing that has not been shared yet is that Howard has jumped into the unknown before. And while some of those experiences were life-enhancing, like when he traveled through Portugal on his own, he has been haunted by the ones that didn’t work out the way he hoped.

The most notable example of this was when he courageously left his corporate job, donated his possessions, went on a silent ten-day meditation retreat and moved to the mountains of Aspen, Colorado. Howard felt he needed to move over from the passenger seat and take the wheel in his life. He had always done what was expected of him and did it quite well. His soul was drowning in the corporate world and so he made the decision to leave it all behind in the face of strong disapproval from certain family members. 

He had some beautiful and memorable experiences in Aspen, like when he made friends with the Aspen Shakti yoga studio and went on a gorgeous yoga retreat in Moab, Utah for free. Or when he developed a meaningful connection with Shae, the shopkeeper of the eclectic Aspen Emporium on main street who would give him kombucha when he would come in to visit her and talk. Or when he made a great friend named Jordan, who he is still close to this day. Or when he went skiing with a ski instructor he’d met the night before.

He spent lovely afternoons at the local coffee shops and the public library, and his walks around Aspen with its mountains, rivers, and sky were truly epic. 

Instead of cherishing those memories, his mind holds onto the pain he experienced when his living situation became toxic and was kicked out for the first time in his life after just six weeks. After couch surfing for a while, his emotional state became more and more unstable and he came back to Illinois to live with his dad and stepmom.

Shortly after, during the first few months of Covid, his stepbrother tragically died.

This chain reaction of events would be brutal for anyone, and it certainly was for Howard. His mind categorizes the Aspen experience as a complete and total failure. 

It is understandable why Howard would have such an adverse reaction to putting himself out there again. Even though the stakes are technically lower, (he will have his apartment and possessions to come back to after a few weeks) his mind is reacting to the risk of experiencing significant psychological pain and “failure” once again.  

Preparations

For the next month Howard spent a lot of time and energy figuring out what clothes to bring and what clothes to buy. This was new to him because there is a high likelihood that the clothes he brings for farming will be ruined. He found some success and had fun thrifting with Elise, but he also researched, bought, and returned several sizes and colors of Crocs and work shirts. For someone who has struggled with shopping addiction, this was a challenge. 

The week before he was set to go, Howard was exhausted by all the planning he was compulsively doing. The packing list was like a mental excel document that was always being tinkered with in his mind. He wanted the list to be perfect for every situation. He wanted to make sure he would not only be comfortable but also look good at all times. 

During that week, Howard had two important realizations. The first one was that he realized that being judged is the thing he fears the most. That was the main reason he was so stressed packing for this thing! He didn’t want to be judged for having the wrong clothes, clothes that didn’t look good on him, or even for bringing too many clothes.

“That’s my biggest fear in life? Why is it okay for me to judge people but it’s not okay if they judge me?” This silly realization helped him let go a little bit. 

The second realization happened the night before he was set to leave. This realization would help him sleep that night. A series of four statements appeared in his mind. He doesn’t know where they came from, but it affected him deeply. The statements were:

I am here to help, I am here to learn, I am here to grow, I am here to experience. 

None of those statements have anything to do with clothing or being judged or making a good impression. It lowered the stakes significantly. He even pondered that it might be a good motto for his purpose in life. That’s all he has to do? What a relief!

The next day he made his final micro packing decisions and left. He liked the idea of it being just him and a couple bags and hitting the road. He arrived at the bus station early and sat in the great hall of Union Station. There looked to be a political event being set up for later in the day. He admired how the hall was so well lit but had no lights, it was all from the sunroof.

He looked down a hallway and saw a closet light flickering. He wondered if that might be his mom cheering him on. 

Part II: The Unknown

Four days after he left for the farm, we find Howard on a bus at a rest stop in Janesville, Wisconsin heading back to Chicago. Was his time on the farm a failure or success? Let’s see if we can figure that out by looking at how it all unfolded.

It began on Saturday, when Howard arrived at Dutch Mill Park and Ride to a big maroon minivan and a warm greeting from Millie the host, another WWOOfer from Libya named Zaynab, and Dakota, a rambunctious, sweet and affectionate Border Collie dog.

Millie drove them around her small town and they went down a little walking trail and stopped at a lake. The lake evoked a wave of nostalgia in Howard, as it reminded him of Green Lake, Wisconsin, where he would spend his summers as a kid. “There’s nothing like a Wisconsin lake,” he told Millie. It would unfortunately be the only time he would see one on his trip. 

That night, Zaynab stayed in her room and Millie made pasta with freshly picked asparagus, onions from the cellar, homemade pesto and Romano cheese. They sat outside and ate dinner. The sunset was mostly blocked by trees, but it was nice. He then joined her to watch The Late Show.

Howard had the upstairs room to himself which had three beds, a bathroom and a shower. The bed was a twin bed but Howard oddly found it to be a fun challenge for himself. He wants to be able to sleep well in many different situations and beds. He succeeded on this trip. 

Millie’s Farm

A typical day consisted of waking up, first around 5am when the chorus of birds and roosters began singing and conversing, and then again around 7:15 to let out the 35 chickens and feed them. Rosie, one of the hens, had to be put in a special pen because she likes to eat the eggs of the other hens. Howard learned how to hold the chickens like a football so they couldn’t flap their wings in his arms. 

There were three roosters and they crowed dramatically hundreds of times from dawn to dusk. He watched the dominant rooster, Rumpelstiltskin, dictate the pecking order when they fed them watermelon rinds. He now knows what a pecking order is and where the phrase comes from.

The two-story house was quaint and cozy, however it was hard for Howard to relax because Millie was incredibly dedicated to sustainability. This meant no lights on unless you needed them to see and conserving water as much as possible. “Imagine that you had to carry the water you use from the stream back to the house,” she said. “If that were the case, would you really want to use that much water?”

There were other house rules such as always using a coaster for drinks, unplugging appliances after using them, certain items that had to be composted, no wasted food, and other rigidities that kept Howard slightly on edge.

It was raining on Sunday morning and Millie was not feeling well, so they watched her favorite show, Sunday Morning, on the small kitchen TV. It’s a show that comes on every Sunday at 8:30. This episode focused on all things Philadelphia.

Millie finally asked Howard a question about his life and his depression and he told her about his mom dying, leaving his career, and all the notable things that preceded this moment. Millie told him about her difficult divorce and how she firmly believes all things happen for a reason if we are patient enough to let it play out. 

She taught him how to build a one-match fire by burning paper and building a teepee of smaller twigs over it, followed by bigger twigs followed by logs and that if you snap twigs on your knee facing outward the spray won’t get in your eyes. He asked how Dakota was so well trained and she taught him the “chow” command –  the most important command to teach a puppy is that you are the provider of their food.

When Howard noticed she still wasn’t feeling well, he encouraged her to rest. She resisted at first but they both ended up napping. 

The rain subsided in the afternoon and they headed out to the garden. On the way she showed him her favorite oak tree, the way the chickens interacted as if it were a TV drama, and new fragrant flowers that had bloomed overnight.

At the garden Millie showed him all the different types of plants and vegetables being grown, including but not limited to spinach, kale, zucchini, broccoli, brussels sprouts, peppers, onions, leeks, tomatoes.

Howard’s job was to plant fresh brussels sprouts. He would take each little plant out of its holder using a screwdriver to carefully lift it out, then get on his hands and knees to dig a hole deep enough to place the plant in and then cover it with soil. The same process was then repeated with the broccoli plants on a different patch of the garden. When he was done, he would water the plants to encourage the roots to set in. 

He then planted dozens of popcorn seeds, watered them, and then sprinkled ground up eggshells around each of the plants to discourage slugs from eating them. Slugs apparently do not like sharp objects. Lastly, he took the compost bucket and dumped it onto the big compost pile in the garden.

Howard was tired from all the squatting, digging, burying, carrying, watering and repeating of those motions. He didn’t like the work all that much, but he was glad to be experiencing it. 

There wasn’t much to do in the evening so Howard helped collect the dozen or so chicken eggs from the day and helped make sure all the chickens were back in their coop for bedtime. There was chicken shit everywhere on the farm and it was impossible to avoid. Dakota loved to join for every farm job. She seemed to like Howard very much and gave him kisses often. 

Howard made oatmeal each morning and he enjoyed that. The maple syrup from the farm was easily the best he had ever tasted and made the oatmeal truly delicious. The rest of his meals were underwhelming and were mostly prepared by himself.

Millie asked if Howard needed anything from the grocery store and when he mentioned avocado Millie told him they are expensive and she would buy them if they were significantly discounted. Apparently they weren’t, so no avocados. 

Millie talked almost nonstop but it was mostly about herself, the farm, or her children’s accomplishments. Millie did not ask Howard many questions about himself. She was friendly and slightly odd. Howard was sincerely impressed with her self-sufficiency and positive attitude but had a hard time feeling comfortable around her and her intensity. The detailed application he filled out made more sense to him now. 

On their FaceTime call she mentioned she has had many serendipitous experiences that make her trust in a higher power. Howard was intrigued to learn more about her experiences and the innate wisdom that it brought.

Once on the farm Millie told him about some of these serendipitous experiences, but nearly all of them involved her getting a deal on something she needed for the farm or the house. She was so proud of all the things she got for free or got discounted, like her TV, or solar panel, or the extra butter and napkins she takes from the school she volunteers at. At first it was interesting, but as the stories continued it became dull. She wasn’t really offering the wisdom or life lessons he was hoping for.

On Monday it was raining in the morning so Howard made his typical oatmeal. He tried making decaf coffee, but it was time-intensive and didn’t taste very good. The rain stopped around 11am and the sun came out and so he went back to work on the garden. 

They were preparing to plant tomatoes and peppers which need more protection than other plants. Howard put up tomato cages and drove poles into the ground to keep them steady. They laid down a perforated hose for watering, and when they discovered a leak, he helped her patch it up.

He took note that Millie did not get frustrated when things went wrong and admired her persistence.

They put cardboard down over the hose so that weeds wouldn’t grow around the plants and he cut squares in the cardboard where the tomatoes would be planted. He then took the plants out of their holders, dug holes in the soil with a shovel where the cardboard cutouts were and planted the tomatoes. Millie had to leave to volunteer at her school and left Howard to plant the rest of the tomatoes and then water his work when he was done. 

The whole process took him about four hours in the sun. He switched off between wearing his shirt and going shirtless. He enjoyed being in the sun but did not love getting bit by mosquitoes while he was working. He enjoyed the physicality of the work but did not enjoy the repetitive nature of it. He enjoyed seeing his work at the end of the day, but did not enjoy the perfectionist tendencies that had him nervous while working. 

After work he had another long afternoon and evening ahead of him and didn’t know what to do. A feeling of stuckness and depression had been building in him since yesterday. The lack of calm at the farm was getting to him.

He expected the farmland to nourish him emotionally, but it usually did the opposite. It was close to a highway which was strange. The only place he felt genuine access to peace was on a wooden bench swing underneath some trees that overlooked the garden and a colorful neighboring farm structure. He was sitting on it that afternoon and the seat snapped in half. Two weeks seemed like an eternity. 

Howard called his good friend Jason and told him about these painful feelings. Jason gave him some much needed permission to end his stay early. He told Howard that this was not a failure, it was a huge success. He was so impressed that anyone in his life would choose to embark on such an adventure and the fact that he was calling from a farm deep in Wisconsin was in itself incredibly impressive.

He helped Howard reframe his thinking around the trip, “If this experience was scheduled for four days instead of two weeks, you would leave feeling proud of yourself.” He was right. 

Letting Go

He told Millie he was going to be leaving in the next day or two. She was initially confused but eventually became understanding.

Howard asked Zaynab if she wanted to go on a bike ride and she did. Zaynab had an easy personality and wore clothing that always covered her hair, arms and legs. Howard was struck by the fact that Zaynab would rather be in an unknown place than go back home. She was more comfortable away from home. Howard wanted some of that. Zaynab was also a bit let down by Millie’s farm and felt her rules were a lot to navigate. Howard felt better that he wasn’t alone in that discomfort.

Zaynab wanted to do WWOOFing again but on the West Coast. She told Howard that next time she would arrange for a shorter stay.

“Worst case scenario is you leave before you’re ready, but you can always come back.”

It took them a long time to find the bikes in one of the cobwebbed rooms of the barn, but he enjoyed the silliness of the search. He even helped fix the chain on her bike, which he was proud of. The bikes were low on air and needed to be filled. By the time they were ready to leave it was close to sundown. 

The bike ride was easily the highlight of Howard’s experience. He and Zaynab rode their bikes on open country backroads and the scenery was both breathtaking and deeply calming with countless green rolling hills in the distance as day turned to dusk. They went wherever their curiosity took them. The temperature was perfect. His bike had a blinking light and she wore a yellow vest so cars could see them. They would smile at each other each time they approached the next uphill climb and then flew on the downhills and straightaways. Both of them expected this type of scenery to be at the farm itself, but it could only be accessed by bike. They returned just as nightfall arrived.

When they came back in the house Millie asked Howard if they could play the card game he brought. They played well into the night. It was a lot of fun and there was lots of laughter. It was the only time the three of them spent time together. 

Howard decided to leave the farm the next day. He asked Millie if there was any work she wanted him to do before he left and there was. They carried heavy wooden structures up the barn stairs and brought the solar panel cover from the barn to the side of the house where the solar panel was.

Howard then cooked some chicken eggs for breakfast, packed up, and said his goodbyes. Millie gave him a hug and told him her door is always open. Zaynab mentioned how much fun she had the night before. Dakota was extra affectionate as he was getting ready to leave. It was sweet. 

Howard took an Uber to Madison where he hoped to spend a little quality time before taking the bus back. He was down on himself again for leaving, and his friend Jason tried to brighten his spirits by reiterating how impressed he was.

“You had brand new experiences you’d never experienced before and memories were made.” he told him, “How could that be anything but positive?” 

He went the wrong way to the water. Tired and frustrated, he decided to just take the early bus back home. Madison was a failure too, he thought. Jason told him he would go with him to visit Madison another time.

As soon as he boarded the bus it began to rain. An unexpected sense of calm arose.

He looked out the window and thought to himself, “Maybe I didn’t blow it after all.”